How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she can fit into your wife's clothes.

Tonto puts his ear to the ground and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says, "How can you tell?" Tonto says, "Ear all sticky."

How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.

A guy sitting at a lunch counter notices a waitress walk by with a hamburger under her arm.
He says, "Excuse me miss but why do you have that hamburger under your arm?"
She says, "I'm keeping it warm."
He says, "Cancel my hotdog."

A newlywed couple is in the honeymoon suite when the husband drops his pants.
Husband: "Hey baby. Do you know what this is?"
Wife: "Yeah, it's a pee pee."
Husband: "No baby, this is a DICK!"
Wife: No I've seen dicks. That's a pee pee."