Joke of the Day --Perpetual

[ths61]

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps...

"Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?"

Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded...

"We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."

"And just where is that?" said the reporter sarcastically.

Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said...

"They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration."

"Next question?"

[taxfree4]

The Defective Parrot
>
>
> A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
>
> It doesn't have any feet or legs.
>
> The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
>
> The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
>
> I'm a defective parrot.'
>
> 'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
>
> 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
>
> 'I got every word,' says the parrot.
>
> 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
>
> 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
>
> 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
>
> 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
>
> You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
>
> 'Wow,' says the guy.
>
> 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
>
> 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
>
> I'm especially good at ornithology.
>
> You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
>
> The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
>
> 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
>
> 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
>
> You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
>
> The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
>
> Weeks go by.
>
> The parrot is sensational.
>
> He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
>
> The guy is delighted.
>
> One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
>
> 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
>
> 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
>
> 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
>
> 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
>
>
> 'THEN what happened?'
>
> 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
>
> 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
>
> 'Yes.
>
>
> Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
>
> Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
>
> DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[BIGLRY]

[DMAGOLDRDR]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out
of sight under the tablecloth.. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend
other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."

[Radical Taz]

Guy walks into a neighbor bar to have a drink and sees a horse at the end of the bar.
He asks the bartender about the horse to which he replies “ If you can make the horse laugh you win a $100.00.
Guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear and the horse begins hysterically laughing. Bartender asks what he said to which he replies “that’s my business� takes the $100 and leaves.
Few weeks go by and the guy returns to the same bar and the same horse is still there. He says to the bartender if I make him laugh again do I win another $100. Oh no not this time, now you need to make him cry.
The man agrees and walks the horse into the bathroom, a few minutes later the man emerges with the horse crying uncontrollably.
The guy says “ok pay up�, bartender says not until you tell me how you made him laugh.
The man says “Well I told him I was hung better than him� bartender says well that is funny but how did you make him cry........................





I showed him!!

[willtill]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to
his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night
before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how
much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was
in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would
have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God bless the enlisted man.

[DMAGOLDRDR]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

One day, Carlos asked Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”

“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.

Carlos’ sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”

Jose says, “no wonder you only get $2-3.”

Carlos says, “So what does your sign say then?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”