Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline !
If you are an obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.
If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will eventually tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, don't bother pressing a number, no one will answer.
If you are suicidal, hang up and jump now.
Thank you for calling. Have a nice day !