Joke of the Day --Perpetual

[GNW]

http://thechive.com/2015/12/28/a-man...eed-87-photos/

Steve, I am pretty sure you got to stick with the gifs.
OMG I thought that I was on HUMP day. I'm sorry.

[Steve 0080]

Sorry, but it was still funny...

[willtill]

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who,in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.
"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will."*

The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.*

"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there?
Coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

[willtill]

In a Parish Church in the English countryside, A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking and reminiscing about his war experiences.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The vicar finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

[Steve 0080]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


************************************************** ************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
” Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
”Did you know," say's the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thanks heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ***********************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finneganarrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?”
”That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee.”

************************************************** **********************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** *****


AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this sideeither!"

[willtill]

[Steve 0080]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

[Steve 0080]

When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I discovered how great it is to be 70.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I went to the drug store and told told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********


I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... when you're seventy...............who cares? ??

[D-Train]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[GNW]

When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I discovered how great it is to be 70.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I went to the drug store and told told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********


I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... when you're seventy...............who cares? ??

Great jokes
Especially when I'm just bout there !!!