Joke of the Day --Perpetual

[BIGLRY]

If that was a joke Larry, it wasn't a very funny one. Œý

Ah there again "variety is the spice of life" and the variety of things that I find funny are not necessarily things you might find funny. What a boring world it would be if we all laughed at the same things.

[BIGLRY]

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy,but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

[D-Train]

One night outside of a local bar a very drunk patron was stumbling up and down the street with his car keys in his hand, unsuccessfully trying to locate his car. Close by was a cop, watching him from inside his patrol car. After a while the cop got out of his car and approached the guy and asked if he can help him. The man tells the cop "I can't find my car!" So the cop asked him where he left it and the guy replies "well the last time I saw it, it was on the end of this key! I think somebody must have stolen it!" At which time the cop points out that the guy has his dick hanging out of pants as well. So the guy looks down at his fly & replies "well dammit! They stole my girlfriend too!"

[Davidk]

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of my front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer, and I'm saving the $29.95 a month that ADT used to charge me to monitor my alarm.
Plus, I bought burkas to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of my way, and security can't pat me down. If they say i'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot damn! I'm safe at last.
Is this country great, or what!

[MarcPW]

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline !

If you are an obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.

If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will eventually tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, don't bother pressing a number, no one will answer.

If you are suicidal, hang up and jump now.

Thank you for calling. Have a nice day !

[Steve 0080]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[Steve 0080]

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

[BIGLRY]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those pills that 'help' get an erection.
you should have seen the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
.
.
.
I'm still looking for a place to live.

[GNW]

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

[D-Train]

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

A 75 year old woman was looking through her cedar chest when she discovered some lingerie from her wedding night. She decides to surprise her husband of 50 years by putting it on. So she puts on the sexy lingerie and walks downstairs where her husband is watching tv. He looks at her with surprise and says "what are you doing wearing that?" and she replies "Do you remember our wedding night? You said you were going to suck the life outta my tits and screw my by brains out!" He looks her up and down for a moment and replies "yes, I remember that! Mission accomplished!"