Joke of the Day --Perpetual

[Steve 0080]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!

[Steve 0080]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your frickin' horse phoned!

[Steve 0080]

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest 'member' he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,� said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.�
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,� he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!� the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

[Jimmytee]

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest 'member' he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,� said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.�
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,� he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!� the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

[willtill]

An American goes into a bar in Calgary where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says, “What will you have?

The guy replies, “Whiskey.�

The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?�

The guy say, “168�

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical
technology.

After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he
gets, so he decides to go back.

The robot asks, “What’s your drink?�

The guy answers, “Whiskey.�

The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?�

The man replies, “100.�

The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his
“experiment� that he decides to try again.

He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.

The man replies, “Whiskey.�

The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?�

The man answers, “50.�

The robot leans in real close and asks,
“So . . are . . . you people . . . still unhappy Hillary didn't get in ?

[BIGLRY]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start a family. On the day the proxy father was due to arrive, Mr Smith, kissed his wife goodbye and said ‘Well, I am off now, the man should be here soon’. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell hoping to make a sale. ‘Good Morning ma’am, he said, I’ve come to …….

‘Oh no need to explain’ Mrs Smith cut in’, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you’. ‘Have you really’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that is good…did you know that babies are my speciality’‘Well, that is what my husband and I hoped…please come in and have a seat’.

After a moment, she asked, blushingly…’well…where do we start’? ‘Leave everything to me, I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps, a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun…you can really spread out there’. ‘The bathtub…the couch, the bedroom and the living room floor…no wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me’

‘Well ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but, if we try various several different positions, and I shoot from six or seven angles. I am sure you will be pleased with the result’. ‘My…that’s a lot’ gasped Mrs Smith. ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time…I’d rather be in and out in five minutes, but I am sure you would be disappointed with that’. ‘Don’t I know it’ said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This one’ he said ‘was done on top of a bus’. ‘Oh my word’!!! Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was difficult to work with’. ‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs Smith. ‘Yes, I am afraid so…I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right…people were crowding around 4 or 5 deep trying to get a look’.

‘Four or five deep’? Said Mrs Smith…her eyes wide with amazement. ‘Yes’ the photographer replied, ‘and for more than three hours the mother was constantly squealing and yelling…I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness was approaching, I had to rush my shots…finally, when the squirrels began nibble my equipment, I had to pack it all in’.

Mrs Smith leaned forward her eyes wide with anticipation said…’do you mean, they actually chewed on your …hum mm…equipment’? ‘It’s true Masd’am…yes…Well if you are ready, I’ll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away’. ‘TRIPOD’? Oh yes Ma’am, I need a tripod to rest my Canon on, it is much too big to be held in the hand very long’.

[Kasperwing]

The man was walking down the street, desperately looking for work, when all of a sudden he notices a help wanted sign in the Winn Dixie store window. Since he has good past experience for many years, earned employee of the month many times, and is just an all around great guy, he struts on in and tries his luck.

After straightening his clothes and combing his hair, he walks in and asks for the manager. After explaining his plight, the manager/ store owner says, " this store has been in my family for 3 generations. We pride ourselves for giving excellent service to our very devoted customers. It is of utmost importance that you understand this. No matter what they want, we try to oblige"! The owner asks can you handle that? The possible new hire says "yes indeed". With that the store owns says, " I will give you a try for just one day. We don't let just anyone work here. You have to be quick of foot and mind, always looking for ways to please our clientele. I'll pay you cash at the end of your shift and then we can see if you fit in. With that, he shows the new guy the produce section. The newby immediately knows what to do and gets busy. The owner is quite pleased as he glances over with an approving smile. Well it was not long before a customer walks in. As fortune would have it, he notices the new employee. With a snicker under his breath he goes up to the new hire and asks for half an onion. The new guy, taken-aback by such a strange request, remembers his instructions and proceeds to wait on his first customer. With the humblest of voice and demeanor, he explains that onions are sold by the pound. They go back and forth a few times, but each volley only upsets the customer more. It is also grating on the newbys last nerve!! At this moment the customer get quite testy and demands a half of onion. The new guy, completely flummoxed by this idiotic request, sucks it up and explains he is new there & will need to ask his boss what he should do. The poor new guy felt like it was a possibility the customer was yanking his chain, but needing the job ----oh so bad--- he excused himself and said he would be right back.

Mr. new guy walks around to the next isle and there his boss stands seemingly unaware of whats happening. By now the new guy is exasperated because he tried several times to explain how produce is purchased. He can not believe that some one could be such a dolt. Non-the-less... wrangling as much composure as he could he approached the boss. He says ( bitting his tongue ) , Hey boss there is some freaking idiot on the next isle that wants to buy half an onion. No sooner the words left his mouth that his boss face turns BEET RED! The new guy sees out of the corner of his eye, the customer standing right there, and knows he had to have heard what he told his boss. Immediately, knowing he would get fired on the spot, he had to think fast. So he says to his boss so the customer can hear... " OH AND BY THE WAY, THIS NICE GENTLEMAN WANTS TO BUY THE OTHER HALF!!!!

Well the boss realizing that this new guy is indeed sharp and that he saved the day was most impressed. Everything worked out great. Then later in the day the boss says come see me in the office before closing. I am going give you off early with a $20.00 bonus. That man was one of our best customers.

So here they are at beer-oclock. Both the newby and store owner were pleased the day worked out better than the first few terrifying minutes.

So they are talking, both relaxed and the newby is saying to himself.... man that was close. About that time the boss says, " ya know you are one fast thinker. I could use your skills here are you still interested"? Newby says sure, can I start tomorrow. It will be nice to eat more than rice and drink water! The boss so grateful at his find, gives the guy $100.00 bill. The boss says, " listen, i know what its like to be down on your luck. BTW, can I ask you a question. I notice you have an accent. Are you from Texas"? MAN-OH-MAN... the poor newby just can not catch a break. Seems every one is out to ruffle his feathers. He tries to hold back .... but the words come out........he says to the boss.... "TEXAS, TEXAS... ONLY WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS COME FROM TEXAS!!
He knows the beet red look on the boss face and figures he has stepped in it yet again. The boss screams back, yanks the hundred out of his hand and says....
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS???? MY WIFE IS FROM TEXAS!!!! BY now the new employee sure that his ass is grass... clears his throat and kinda chuckles.... with great confidence & calmness.... he says, What position was you wife on the ladies football team... while grabbing the 100 back !!!

[willtill]

..but still funny


This panda walks into a bar.
He sits down at a table.
A waiter comes, and the panda orders his food, and eats it.
Then, he pulls out a gun and blows the brains out of the waiter.
Then he gets up and is about to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey, you just shot my waiter!
Where do you think you're going?" And the panda says, "I'm a panda! Look it up!"
So the bartender looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It reads: "Fur-bearing mammal, lives in Australia.
EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.

[dadeo]

..but still funny


This panda walks into a bar.
He sits down at a table.
A waiter comes, and the panda orders his food, and eats it.
Then, he pulls out a gun and blows the brains out of the waiter.
Then he gets up and is about to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey, you just shot my waiter!
Where do you think you're going?" And the panda says, "I'm a panda! Look it up!"
So the bartender looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It reads: "Fur-bearing mammal, lives in Australia.
EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.

Pandas live in China.

[willtill]

Pandas live in China.

So right you are. Ah well...