Joke of the Day --Perpetual

[dickiedeals]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[dickiedeals]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[dickiedeals]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

Some old men can still think fast!!

[Jayrock]

A police officer called into the station on his radio and said "I have an interesting case here, an old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." The chief asked "Have you arrested her yet?" to which the officer replied "Nope floor is still wet"

[Steve 0080]

A good one !

[willtill]

So I'm at Wal-mart buying a bag of cat food for my cats. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a cat. Why else would I be buying cat food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a cat, I was starting the cat food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Meow Mix and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the cat food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a cat's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard....

Happy Thanksgiving ....and avoid cat food

[sabre85]

Little Johnny and dad are walking through the wood one day when they come upon two dogs humping. Little Johnny asks dad "What are they doing Dad?" Dad not wanting to go into the whole birds and the bees speech just then said "They're making puppies." Little Johnny accepts this and they go on and enjoy the walk.
A couple of days later Little Johnny walks in on mommy and daddy doin' the nasty and Little Johnny asks "Dad what are you doing to mommy?" Dad breathlessly says "We are making you a little sister" Little Johnny nods his head and turns to leave the room, stops and looks back and says "Dad turn her over- I'd rather have a puppy"

[willtill]

A guy goes into the U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, " If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."

[Steve 0080]

http://www.mynews13.com/content/news...uties_say.html

[dickiedeals]

No, I didn't make these up, I 'm really not that sick. I wanted to let you
enjoy them as much as I did. (GROAN)



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I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
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I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
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They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
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PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
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Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
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I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
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Broken pencils are pointless.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
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I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
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Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
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Velcro - what a rip off!
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
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Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
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Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.