All I can say is " You got to be shitting me!"
All I can say is " You got to be shitting me!"
Ride Safe, Ride Often
C
Mekong Delta/Can Tho/ Rung Sat- 8/66 ~ 8/68
This one?Originally Posted by Chas
Not sure if it's a joke... sadness really
21 years Army (retired)
...been everywhere, seen everything, done almost everything.
IBA 80537
Christian school... in class... Sally is asleep
The teacher turns to the class and see's Sally asleep on her desk...
She asks the class "who created the heavens and earth in 7 days?, Sally?"
Johnny jabbed his pencil in Sally's Ass,... she screamed out "God almighty!"
The teacher was surprised she was listening... a few minutes later she asked the class "who sacrificed themselves on the cross for our sins?,Sally?"
Sally once again Asleep, Johnny stuck his pencil in her ass harder this time. She cried out "Jesus Christ!"
Again the teacher was surprised... The teacher then asked the class "what did Eve say to Adam after there 2800000th child?"
No one answered... so Johnny shoved the pencil right up Sally's ass,she stood up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna snap it in half!!!"
" A Gun Is Like A Parachute.If You Need One, And Don't Have One, You'll Probably Never Need One Again!"
AIRLINE FOOD - A TRUE STORY?
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement..."Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service ... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals ... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued... "So, anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came four hours later ... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
GOD BLESS THE IRISH!
" A Gun Is Like A Parachute.If You Need One, And Don't Have One, You'll Probably Never Need One Again!"
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too, shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics,
She met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq.ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.
They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana.
Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later,
Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart.
They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn
And have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty,
Explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary says the Fifth Parrot has to stand on One Leg.
" Truth is often deemed rude, blunt and to the point which is why so few make their friend " Freddy Hayler ..352-267-1553 Sanford, FLA Gutterman6000@Gmail.com
Baltimore's 12 days of Christmas
21 years Army (retired)
...been everywhere, seen everything, done almost everything.
IBA 80537
Funny stuff Will.
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"
The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
21 years Army (retired)
...been everywhere, seen everything, done almost everything.
IBA 80537
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper,
Guido,
Has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job
In the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
Not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
Where's the money?
Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
What you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
Puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs,
"OK! You win!
The money is in a brown
Briefcase, buried behind the shed
At my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
" Truth is often deemed rude, blunt and to the point which is why so few make their friend " Freddy Hayler ..352-267-1553 Sanford, FLA Gutterman6000@Gmail.com
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
