Joke of the Day --Perpetual

[Steve 0080]

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman,

'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over
there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says,

'Wow, this is a real honor!

What are you
guys doing in here?'

Cruz says,

'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really?


What's going to
Happen?'


Trump says,
'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims
And
One blonde
With BIG tits.'


The guy exclaimed,
'A blonde with Big tits?

Why kill a blonde with Big Tits?'


Trump turns to Cruz and says,
DONALD-TRUMP.jpg
'See,.....
I told you,....

No one gives a Crap
about
The
140 million
Muslims.’

[willtill]

^^^

Hee hee!

[Steve 0080]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[RickJ]

OK a few in bad taste [and I love my wife and have a terriffic marriage!]:

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.


Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

[willtill]

OK a few in bad taste [and I love my wife and have a terriffic marriage!]:

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.


Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

[Steve 0080]

Apples...





A few year ago, a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago.

They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner.





In their rush to catch the plane home,

And with tickets and briefcases in hand,

One of the men accidentally kicked over a table which held a display of apples.





Apples flew everywhere.

Without stopping or even looking back,

They all managed to reach their plane in time for their "nearly missed" boarding...





All but one!





He paused, took a deep breath,

Got in touch with his feelings

And experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye,

And told one of them to call his wife when they arrived home

And explain his taking a later flight.





Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.

He was glad he did.

The girl with the apple cart was 16 years old, and was totally blind!

She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration

As she helplessly groped for her spilled produce.



The crowd swirled around her with no one stopping to help, or even to care for her plight.





The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples,

Put them back on the table and helped organize her display.

As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised;

These he set aside in another basket.



When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl:

"Here, please take this $50 for the damage we did.



Are you okay?"



She nodded through her tears.





He continued on with: "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly".



As the salesman walked away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him: "Mister..."

He paused and turned to look back into those sightless eyes.



She continued: "Are you Jesus?"





He stopped in mid-stride...and he wondered.

He went back and softly said "No, I am nothing like Jesus -

He is good, kind, caring, loving

And would never have bumped into your display in the first place.





The girl gently nodded, and said.............



"I only asked because I prayed for Jesus to help me gather the apples.



He sent you to help me.



Thank you for hearing Jesus, Mister."





Then, slowly,

He made his way to catch the later flight

With that question burning and bouncing about in his soul.



"Are you Jesus?"



Do people mistake You for Jesus?





That's our destiny, is it not?



To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference

As we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.





If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would.

Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church.



It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.





You are the apple of His eye, even though you, too, have been bruised by a fall.

He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary

And paid in full for our damaged fruit.





Sometimes we take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing what we know...





The nicest place to be is in someone's thoughts;

The safest place to be is in someone's prayers;

And the very best place to be is.

..in the hands of God!

[Steve 0080]

A couple on an African Safari .......

Witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.


While the kill was about to happen before their eyes,

The husband casually remarked,

“I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered,

“If that antelope survives this one,

I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”


The deadly chase was recorded.


Click below.....


https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8

[GNW]

A couple on an African Safari .......

Witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.


While the kill was about to happen before their eyes,

The husband casually remarked,

“I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered,

“If that antelope survives this one,

I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”


The deadly chase was recorded.


Click below.....


https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8

Excellent !! A man has to do what he has got to do !!

[Steve 0080]

http://thechive.com/2015/12/28/a-man...eed-87-photos/

[Steve 0080]

http://thechive.com/2015/12/30/these...e-box-15-gifs/