Joke of the Day --Perpetual

[Steve 0080]

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE"
EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS ...

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 250 liters of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake and thought that she probably meant 2.5 liters. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 250 liters of milk. Did you mean 2.5 liters?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 250 liters. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Wait for it, wait for it .......
↓
↓
↓
↓
↓
↓
↓
↓

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits .....
I can splash it on my eyes!"

[opas ride]

That is funny....What about this one???...Why does it take a blonde 4 hours to make 1 batch of chocolate chip cookies???...5 minutes to mix the dough, 10 minutes to bake the cookies, and 3 hours and 45 minutes to peel the M&M's......

[Retired Army]

A blond was shopping at the perfume counter when she came across a strange name she couldn't pronounce and asked the salesman what it was. He replied that is Venez à moi which is French for come to me. The blond replied "it doesn't smell like cum to me."

[firetech]

Good one Steve :lolup: :lolup: :clap2:

[BIGLRY]

A few days ago I was at the auto parts store when an young cute blond came in and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten" for her car. No one had any clue what the part was, even the manager. “Come on!” she said, exasperated. “Every car I’ve ever had has one! But mine fell off, and I need a new one.” Finally, even though I wasn’t an auto parts professional, just another customer, I stepped in. “Would it help to look under my hood, and you can point out what it is you want?” I asked. “Yes!” she exclaimed, and I led the good looking blond to my car with a parade of parts guys, every last one of them, following right behind. I opened the hood. “Is there a 710 on this car?” I asked. She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there!” And here’s what we saw:
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
''
14940
:icon_doh:

[Spirit Rider]

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

-------------

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

--------------

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it Said...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[ths61]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk

[Old Ryder]

Question: How can you tell if a blond has been using your computer?
Answer: By the "White Out" on the screen.

[Old Ryder]

It can be very hard to reason with a woman.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

[Steve 0080]

:clap2::clap2::clap2: bring more !!!!!

[ths61]

Crunch !


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTcFb-0USP8


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4vj0ljMgy0

[stroguy]

http://youtu.be/lj3iNxZ8Dww

[hiflyer]

It can be very hard to reason with a woman.


That's one of my favs!

[BIGLRY]

That's one of my favs!:yes: A true classic

[cosborn]

Very politically incorrect and picking on those unable to respond....................I LOVE IT

Chris

:yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes:: yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::y ikes::yikes::yikes::yikes::yikes:

[dickiedeals]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Hornblower]

Good one, Dickie :lolup:

[RickJ]

that is funny!

[stroguy]

Sweet.

[DMAGOLDRDR]

Note to self,,,, don't take a sip of coffee before reading any jokes from Dickiedeals...

[LacoocheeBoy]

I truly laughed out loud my friend

[dickiedeals]

An old, blind biker wanders into an lesbian bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, buddy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, dude. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind biker thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[LacoocheeBoy]

Keep them comin my friend...:yes:

[stroguy]

Sweet

[Steve 0080]

Still laughing....

[InvictusF6B]

Grinin form ear to ear :icon_biggrin:

[dickiedeals]

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings,
but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although
when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the
drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the
rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk.
She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should
never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know
the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going
to park my Harley Davidson LowRider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good
view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head
and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[wjduke]

I'll be telling that one around here for sure! :clap2:

[Ixol Phaane]

:lolup:
Never saw that one coming. :yes:

[Fla_rider]

Dickie, I'm more concerned that you would have a Harley!:spank::spank:

[Steve 0080]

Just a thought.!

[shooter]

Dickie, I'm more concerned that you would have a Harley!:spank::spank:

And I'm thinking , only one oil leak?

[Steve 0080]

Default Living in the South
THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH
A possum is a flat animal that
sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya.
If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart,
it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go
to the bathroom?

People actually grow,eat
and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means
I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do
like a little tea with our sugar.
It is referred to as
the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for
local high school sports,
the motor sports, and gossip.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or
Mr.(first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is..

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang
Driver's Ed. If our mama says
we can drive, we can drive!!!

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.



Michael...

[Steve 0080]

A Water Bearer in India had two large pots;
Each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.

One of the pots had a small crack in it,
And while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house,
The cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the Water Bearer one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself and I want to apologize to you."

Why, asked the bearer? "What are you ashamed of?"
I have been able for these past two years to deliver only half my load of water
Because of this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work and you don't get full value from your efforts, the pot said.

The Water Bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot and in his compassion he said,
"As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path".

Indeed, as they went up the hill the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful flowers along the path and this cheered it some.
But at the end of the trail it still felt bad because it had leaked out half of its load and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot,
Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path but not the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw and I took advantage of it.

I planted flower seeds on your side of the path and every day while we walk back from the stream you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table.

Without you being just the way you are he would not have this beauty to grace his home.

Each of us has our own unique flaws.

We are all cracked pots.

But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace his Father's table.

In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste.

So as we seek ways to minister together and as God calls you to the tasks.

He has appointed for you, don't be afraid of your flaws.

Acknowledge them and allow Him to take advantage of them and you too can be the cause of beauty in His pathway.

Go out boldly,
knowing that in our weakness we find His strength
And that

"In Him everyone of God's promises is a Yes".

[Greg_N]

Blondies also know wery vell geography ;-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cey35bBWXls

[willtill]

I've always liked this one. Not a joke per say; but more of humorous misunderstanding of the male; of the species:

http://i59.tinypic.com/7252e9.jpg

[Steve 0080]

Kinda true today... with all the free money out there.....

[willtill]

Kinda true today... with all the free money out there.....

OMG! :icon_mrgreen:

[junkyarddog]

why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
more head room

[dickiedeals]

So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a "Muslim Bookstore."
I was wondering what exactly was in a "Muslim Bookstore" so I went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele.

So I asked for a copy of the U.S. immigration policy book regarding Muslims.

The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out, and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?"

[dickiedeals]

So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a "Muslim Bookstore."
I was wondering what exactly was in a "Muslim Bookstore" so I went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele.

So I asked for a copy of the U.S. immigration policy book regarding Muslims.

The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out, and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?"

I just saw this joke word for word on Face Book and "Ted Nugent" put his name to it as the author. I assure you I read it a month ago in a Biker Magazine with someone else s name attached..You'll notice I didn't sign it as mine.............Dickie

[Steve 0080]

A high school down in South Louisiana bayou country (Port Barre) was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of the young girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the privacy of the girls' bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lipstick lip prints covering the bathroom mirrors.

Every night, old Mr. Boudreaux, the maintenance man, would painstakingly remove all the lipstick . . . but then the next day . . . the girls would mess up the mirrors once again.

Finally the principal (my younger brother) decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there along with the female basketball coach and the maintenance man, Mr. Boudreaux. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean up the mirrors, the principal asked Mr. Boudreaux to show the girls how much effort was required to clean up the lipstick. So Mr. Boudreaux took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in one of the toilets, and then cleaned the mirrors thoroughly with it.

Since that day, there have been no lipstick lip prints on the mirrors.

There are teachers . . . and then there are true educators filled with ingenuity !!!

[dickiedeals]

A driver is stuck in a bad traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?", the driver asks.

The man replies, "About a gallon each!"

[valkmc]

What did the blonde say when asked if her blinker was working

Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.................

[dickiedeals]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.



One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff



The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"



The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."



The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.



The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."



The Admiral threw him out also.



The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.



"Do you notice anything different about me?"



To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."



The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.



The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one frickin' ear."

[Santa]

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!

[Steve 0080]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, - 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, - 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, - 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said - 'Sister, I think it's your feet.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. - 'Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, - 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...!!!

[Old Ryder]

During one of the congregation meeting the resurrection was the topic of discussion. The question was asked for one of the children to tell the congregation what the resurrection was. A little boy was called on and he said he knew that if you had one for 4 hours you had better call a doctor. AGAIN---a true story that brought down the house. :icon_doh:

[dickiedeals]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”:yikes:

[Steve 0080]

Perfect and very true !!!!!

[dickiedeals]

Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The Beech says to the Birch: "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The Birch says it cannot tell. Just then a Woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The Birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The Woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in!" :lolup: .notworthy. Come on Guys and Girls Surely someone else has Jokes!

[Steve 0080]

Well Dickie, you may be the king of jokes !!!

[dickiedeals]

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[dickiedeals]

Well Dickie, you may be the king of jokes !!!

What is the difference between a golf ball and the G-spot?
Ans: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for his golf ball.:spank:

[tonycarver]

a nurse goes out with her friends for dinner. all goes well until the end of the meal when they all get their separate checks .......since they're all paying by credit card, pens are in a bit of a shortage.
the nurse chimes in and says I have one in my purse, hang on." she reaches into her purse and pulls out a rectal thermometer...looking somewhat surprised she pipes up and says "aw shit...some ASSHOLE has my pen!":yikes:

[tonycarver]

supposedly a REAL call

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0nRvqfiqZI

[MarcPW]

17261

[dickiedeals]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.':crackup:

[dickiedeals]

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[Jayrock]

I think we need to re-name this thread "dickiedeals joke of the day" He's killing it on a regular basis!

[dickiedeals]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[dickiedeals]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[dickiedeals]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

Some old men can still think fast!!

[Jayrock]

A police officer called into the station on his radio and said "I have an interesting case here, an old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." The chief asked "Have you arrested her yet?" to which the officer replied "Nope floor is still wet"

[Steve 0080]

A good one !

[willtill]

So I'm at Wal-mart buying a bag of cat food for my cats. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a cat. Why else would I be buying cat food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a cat, I was starting the cat food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Meow Mix and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the cat food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a cat's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard....

Happy Thanksgiving ....and avoid cat food

:icon_mrgreen:

[sabre85]

Little Johnny and dad are walking through the wood one day when they come upon two dogs humping. Little Johnny asks dad "What are they doing Dad?" Dad not wanting to go into the whole birds and the bees speech just then said "They're making puppies." Little Johnny accepts this and they go on and enjoy the walk.
A couple of days later Little Johnny walks in on mommy and daddy doin' the nasty and Little Johnny asks "Dad what are you doing to mommy?" Dad breathlessly says "We are making you a little sister" Little Johnny nods his head and turns to leave the room, stops and looks back and says "Dad turn her over- I'd rather have a puppy"

[willtill]

A guy goes into the U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, " If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."

[Steve 0080]

http://www.mynews13.com/content/news/cfnews13/news/article.html/content/news/articles/cfn/2015/12/7/alligator_killed_matthew_riggins_deputies_say.html

[dickiedeals]

No, I didn't make these up, I 'm really not that sick. I wanted to let you
enjoy them as much as I did. (GROAN):icon_doh:



��
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.
��
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
��
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
��
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
��
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
��
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
��
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
��
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
��
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
��
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
��
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
��
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
��
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
��
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
����
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
��
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
��
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
��
Broken pencils are pointless.
��
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
��
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
��
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
��
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
��
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
��
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
��
Velcro - what a rip off!
��
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
��
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
��
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
��
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
��
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Chas]

All I can say is " You got to be shitting me!"

[willtill]

All I can say is " You got to be shitting me!"

This one?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

Not sure if it's a joke... sadness really :shhh:

[dickiedeals]

Christian school... in class... Sally is asleep
The teacher turns to the class and see's Sally asleep on her desk...

She asks the class "who created the heavens and earth in 7 days?, Sally?"

Johnny jabbed his pencil in Sally's Ass,... she screamed out "God almighty!"

The teacher was surprised she was listening... a few minutes later she asked the class "who sacrificed themselves on the cross for our sins?,Sally?"

Sally once again Asleep, Johnny stuck his pencil in her ass harder this time. She cried out "Jesus Christ!"

Again the teacher was surprised... The teacher then asked the class "what did Eve say to Adam after there 2800000th child?"

No one answered... so Johnny shoved the pencil right up Sally's ass,she stood up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna snap it in half!!!":yikes:

[dickiedeals]

AIRLINE FOOD - A TRUE STORY?

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from ​ Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue​ nervously made the following painful announcement..."Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service ... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals ... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued... "So, anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours ​ later ... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."


GOD BLESS THE IRISH!:beer3:

[waynerock66]

:lolup:

[Steve 0080]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.


Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.


Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

She too, shares the wine.


Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics,

She met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.

Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.

They live in a 4000 sq.ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.

They have a second home in Phoenix.


Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.

Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.

They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.



Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.

They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana.

Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.


Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later,


Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart.

They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn

And have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.


Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty,

Explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.

They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.


Mary says the Fifth Parrot has to stand on One Leg.

[willtill]

Baltimore's 12 days of Christmas

http://i68.tinypic.com/29llk7c.jpg

[shooter]

Funny stuff Will.

[willtill]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[Steve 0080]

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper,

Guido,
Has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job
In the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
Not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
Where's the money?

Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
What you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
Puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs,
"OK! You win!
The money is in a brown
Briefcase, buried behind the shed
At my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[Steve 0080]

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman,

'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over
there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says,

'Wow, this is a real honor!

What are you
guys doing in here?'

Cruz says,

'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really?


What's going to
Happen?'


Trump says,
'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims
And
One blonde
With BIG tits.'


The guy exclaimed,
'A blonde with Big tits?

Why kill a blonde with Big Tits?'


Trump turns to Cruz and says,
DONALD-TRUMP.jpg
'See,.....
I told you,....

No one gives a Crap
about
The
140 million
Muslims.’

[willtill]

^^^

Hee hee! :icon_lol:

[Steve 0080]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[RickJ]

OK a few in bad taste [and I love my wife and have a terriffic marriage!]:

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.


Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

[willtill]

OK a few in bad taste [and I love my wife and have a terriffic marriage!]:

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.


Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A nude photo of Hillary Clinton.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctMTC3nj0Q0


:shhh: :icon_doh: :icon_biggrin: :yes: :icon_lol:

[Steve 0080]

Apples...





A few year ago, a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago.

They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner.





In their rush to catch the plane home,

And with tickets and briefcases in hand,

One of the men accidentally kicked over a table which held a display of apples.





Apples flew everywhere.

Without stopping or even looking back,

They all managed to reach their plane in time for their "nearly missed" boarding...





All but one!





He paused, took a deep breath,

Got in touch with his feelings

And experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye,

And told one of them to call his wife when they arrived home

And explain his taking a later flight.





Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.

He was glad he did.

The girl with the apple cart was 16 years old, and was totally blind!

She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration

As she helplessly groped for her spilled produce.



The crowd swirled around her with no one stopping to help, or even to care for her plight.





The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples,

Put them back on the table and helped organize her display.

As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised;

These he set aside in another basket.



When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl:

"Here, please take this $50 for the damage we did.



Are you okay?"



She nodded through her tears.





He continued on with: "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly".



As the salesman walked away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him: "Mister..."

He paused and turned to look back into those sightless eyes.



She continued: "Are you Jesus?"





He stopped in mid-stride...and he wondered.

He went back and softly said "No, I am nothing like Jesus -

He is good, kind, caring, loving

And would never have bumped into your display in the first place.





The girl gently nodded, and said.............



"I only asked because I prayed for Jesus to help me gather the apples.



He sent you to help me.



Thank you for hearing Jesus, Mister."





Then, slowly,

He made his way to catch the later flight

With that question burning and bouncing about in his soul.



"Are you Jesus?"



Do people mistake You for Jesus?





That's our destiny, is it not?



To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference

As we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.





If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would.

Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church.



It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.





You are the apple of His eye, even though you, too, have been bruised by a fall.

He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary

And paid in full for our damaged fruit.





Sometimes we take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing what we know...





The nicest place to be is in someone's thoughts;

The safest place to be is in someone's prayers;

And the very best place to be is.

..in the hands of God!

[Steve 0080]

A couple on an African Safari .......

Witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.


While the kill was about to happen before their eyes,

The husband casually remarked,

“I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered,

“If that antelope survives this one,

I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”


The deadly chase was recorded.


Click below.....


https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8

[GNW]

A couple on an African Safari .......

Witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.


While the kill was about to happen before their eyes,

The husband casually remarked,

“I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered,

“If that antelope survives this one,

I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”


The deadly chase was recorded.


Click below.....


https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8

Excellent !! A man has to do what he has got to do !!

[Steve 0080]

http://thechive.com/2015/12/28/a-man-shares-an-epic-story-of-a-girl-who-became-trapped-in-the-closet-via-his-twitter-feed-87-photos/

[Steve 0080]

http://thechive.com/2015/12/30/these-people-are-not-the-brightest-crown-in-the-box-15-gifs/

[GNW]

http://thechive.com/2015/12/28/a-man-shares-an-epic-story-of-a-girl-who-became-trapped-in-the-closet-via-his-twitter-feed-87-photos/

Steve, I am pretty sure you got to stick with the gifs.
OMG I thought that I was on HUMP day. I'm sorry.

[Steve 0080]

Sorry, but it was still funny...

[willtill]

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who,in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.
"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will."*

The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.*

"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there?
Coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

[willtill]

In a Parish Church in the English countryside, A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking and reminiscing about his war experiences.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The vicar finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

http://i65.tinypic.com/2w36nm1.jpg

[Steve 0080]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


************************************************** ************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
” Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
”Did you know," say's the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thanks heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ***********************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finneganarrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?”
”That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee.”

************************************************** **********************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** *****


AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this sideeither!"

[willtill]

:lolup:

[Steve 0080]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

[Steve 0080]

When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I discovered how great it is to be 70.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I went to the drug store and told told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********


I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... when you're seventy...............who cares? ??

[D-Train]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

:lolup:

[GNW]

When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I discovered how great it is to be 70.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I went to the drug store and told told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********


I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********


I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy...............who cares?


***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... when you're seventy...............who cares? ??

Great jokes
Especially when I'm just bout there !!!

[D-Train]

I don't care who you are, this is some funny sh*t! And yes, I'm most definitely a lesbian! :icon_laugh:


https://youtu.be/kn9-me-xH4Q

[willtill]

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town near Moncton, N.B,: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels slide in and drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.


The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.


But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.


Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[BIGLRY]

The Lone Ranger was arrested in Lone Pine, California today for the crime of illegally transferring silver bullets. The famed masked man had just apprehended an armed felon after shooting the gun out of his hand. As was his practice for the last eighty years, he gave a silver bullet to the outlaw’s victim.

She was a kindly old widow who was robbed and held captive by the desperado. This lady, grateful that her life and property were restored, treasured the silver bullet as a symbol that justice was done.

The trouble started when she showed the bullet to her weekly garden club. Upon seeing the gleaming momento, one lady fainted. Another lady gasped that they were all going to die. A third lady, who was also a member of CHA (California Hysterics Anonymous), warned that where there was a bullet there had to be a gun. During the shocked silence an attendee desperately summoned the Sheriff on her cell phone.

When the Sheriff heard their story he struggled to stifle a laugh. He knew the old gentleman on the big white horse. He also appreciated how many criminals the Lone Ranger had captured over the years. However, since California voters passed Proposition 63, he had to uphold the law.

Predictably, he found the masked man enjoying a Near Beer at the Dry Gulch Saloon back in town.

“Thanks for helping old widow Smith,” he said, “but did you really give her a silver bullet?”

“Yes,” replied the Lone Ranger, “after all that’s my trademark. Got a problem with that?”

“Well, yes,” hesitated the sheriff. “Ya see…under Proposition 63, you’ve got to be a licensed firearms dealer to give anyone a bullet.”

“Are you kidding?”, asked the Lone Ranger.

“Wish I was,” said the embarrassed sheriff, “and to boot whoever receives the bullet has to be registered with the Department of Justice.”

“Holy guacamole!”, exclaimed the masked man. “Did I do anything else wrong?”

“Well,” said the sheriff, looking even more sheepish now, “there’s the little matter of you shooting a gun out of the outlaw’s hand.”

“What!”, said the Lone Ranger. “If I hadn’t done that, the skunk would have plugged me for sure.”

“I know that,” admitted the Sheriff, “but he’ll probably sue you for failing to retreat and using unnecessary force. If they convict you, they’ll take your six-shooters away for good. Which reminds me, according to California law, your pistols have too large a capacity. If I were you, I’d convert those six-shooters into five-shooters as quick as you can.”

“Jumpin’ Junipers!”, exclaimed the Lone Ranger. “I’d better tell this to my faithful Indian companion, Tonto.”

“Hold on,” said the Sheriff. “I need to remind you that Indians are now referred to as Native Americans. We privileged male pale faces have got to remember that.”

As the Lone Ranger sat in shocked silence, the sheriff explained his rights and proceeded to take him in.

Postscript:

Upon being provided an attorney at state expense, the outlaw successfully sued the Lone Ranger. He claimed that he could no longer work since he had suffered the permanent loss of his trigger finger. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom urged imposing the maximum sentence for possession of illegal ammunition and a firearm that exceeds lawful capacity. He received a huge monetary award, forcing the Lone Ranger to sell the silver mine.

Tonto was deemed innocent but victimized by virtue of being a member of an oppressed minority. He was given land by the state and now operates a very profitable casino.

After getting out of jail, the Lone Ranger could not find a job since he was now an ex-con. Fortunately, Tonto lets him do light janitorial work at the casino and sleep in the basement.

Following the passage of Proposition 63, violent crime in California has steadily increased. Lt. Governor Newsom advises troubled property owners to protect themselves by posting signs that say:

Keep Out—Gun Free Zone

Lawyer on Call

[D-Train]

If that was a joke Larry, it wasn't a very funny one. 😒

[ReserveBum]

If that was a joke Larry, it wasn't a very funny one. 

ScudMaster - someone who fires rounds indiscriminately hoping to elicit a response......You should change your screen name.

[BIGLRY]

If that was a joke Larry, it wasn't a very funny one. Œý
Yea humor is very subjective...especially ironic or sarcastic humor. The psychologist Martin, in "The Psychology of Humor", is quite clear that irony is where "the literal meaning is opposite to the intended" and sarcasm is "aggressive humor that pokes fun".
What makes me laugh might just be the trigger that make you cry...Glad I'm not you!:icon_lol:

[D-Train]

A 3 year old little boy was taking a bath one night while his mom was putting on her eye makeup. As he sat there playing with his testicles he said "mommy, are these my brains?" After a moments hesitation she replied "not yet!" :icon_razz:

[D-Train]

ScudMaster - someone who fires rounds indiscriminately hoping to elicit a response......You should change your screen name.

Sonar Tech - someone that pings indiscriminately hoping to get a response. Maybe I should change my screen name to "ping jockey"? :icon_wink:

[BIGLRY]

Sonar Tech - someone that pings indiscriminately hoping to get a response. Maybe I should change my screen name to "ping jockey"? :icon_wink:
Did you dye your hair?
http://nebula.wsimg.com/5a59d2f2b6b7abacd9436d120f18c571?AccessKeyId=A1D64 5E46187D38248B7&disposition=0&alloworigin=1

[D-Train]

Did you dye your hair?
http://nebula.wsimg.com/5a59d2f2b6b7abacd9436d120f18c571?AccessKeyId=A1D64 5E46187D38248B7&disposition=0&alloworigin=1

If that was a joke Larry, it wasn't a very funny one. 😒

:joke:

[BIGLRY]

If that was a joke Larry, it wasn't a very funny one. Œý

:joke:
Ah there again "variety is the spice of life" and the variety of things that I find funny are not necessarily things you might find funny. What a boring world it would be if we all laughed at the same things. :icon_lol:

[BIGLRY]

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy,but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!":yikes:

[D-Train]

One night outside of a local bar a very drunk patron was stumbling up and down the street with his car keys in his hand, unsuccessfully trying to locate his car. Close by was a cop, watching him from inside his patrol car. After a while the cop got out of his car and approached the guy and asked if he can help him. The man tells the cop "I can't find my car!" So the cop asked him where he left it and the guy replies "well the last time I saw it, it was on the end of this key! I think somebody must have stolen it!" At which time the cop points out that the guy has his dick hanging out of pants as well. So the guy looks down at his fly & replies "well dammit! They stole my girlfriend too!"
:icon_laugh:

[Davidk]

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of my front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer, and I'm saving the $29.95 a month that ADT used to charge me to monitor my alarm.
Plus, I bought burkas to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of my way, and security can't pat me down. If they say i'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot damn! I'm safe at last.
Is this country great, or what!

[MarcPW]

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline !

If you are an obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.

If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will eventually tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, don't bother pressing a number, no one will answer.

If you are suicidal, hang up and jump now.

Thank you for calling. Have a nice day !

[Steve 0080]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[Steve 0080]

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

[BIGLRY]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those pills that 'help' get an erection.
you should have seen the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
.
.
.
I'm still looking for a place to live.:shrug:

[GNW]

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

:icon_doh:

[D-Train]

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

:icon_doh:

A 75 year old woman was looking through her cedar chest when she discovered some lingerie from her wedding night. She decides to surprise her husband of 50 years by putting it on. So she puts on the sexy lingerie and walks downstairs where her husband is watching tv. He looks at her with surprise and says "what are you doing wearing that?" and she replies "Do you remember our wedding night? You said you were going to suck the life outta my tits and screw my by brains out!" He looks her up and down for a moment and replies "yes, I remember that! Mission accomplished!"
:icon_razz:

[GNW]

A 75 year old woman was looking through her cedar chest when she discovered some lingerie from her wedding night. She decides to surprise her husband of 50 years by putting it on. So she puts on the sexy lingerie and walks downstairs where her husband is watching tv. He looks at her with surprise and says "what are you doing wearing that?" and she replies "Do you remember our wedding night? You said you were going to suck the life outta my tits and screw my by brains out!" He looks her up and down for a moment and replies "yes, I remember that! Mission accomplished!"
:icon_razz:

Now that's funny right there !!:lolup:

[Steve 0080]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baDJ-ZIvYy0










https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2Wx2zcdd-4

[DMAGOLDRDR]

A guy answers a Motorcycle for sale add....

I like the color and see it has low mileage. I am very interested, how low can you go on it.

The seller responds.. about 2 mph, any lower and it will fall over.

[Steve 0080]

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant

When this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,

Gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss,

Then says she'll see him later

And walks away.




The wife glares at her husband and says,



"Who the hell was that?"



"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."



"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife,


"I've had enough, I want a divorce!"


"I can understand that," replies her husband



"but remember,

If we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris ,

no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany ,

No more BMW in the garage

and no more yacht club.



But the decision is yours."



Just then,

A mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.



"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.



"That's his mistress," says her husband.




"Ours is prettier," she replies...

[pickensace]

A guy from SC moved to Texas and bought a 120 acre farm.

A few Days later he is in the local Walmart and boastfully tells the cashier he has just moved from SC and bought a 120 acre farm.

About that time a big Texan in a cowboy hat taps the guy on the shoulder and boastfully says "Boy, you're Texas now and and we don't call them farms we call them Ranches and I can get in my truck at sunup and still be driving on my property at sundown."

The guy behind him taps him on the shoulder and says "I have a truck just like that."

Takes a minute for some to get it.

[Steve 0080]

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
“Hmm…� mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
“Aha!� said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, “How does that feel now?� The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didnt feel a thing. What did you do?�
The doctor replied “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.�

[ths61]

https://pics.me.me/heard-a-joke-about-social-security-but-you-probably-wont-19802481.png

[BIGLRY]

https://pics.me.me/heard-a-joke-about-social-security-but-you-probably-wont-19802481.pngHehe, As my dear old dad told me when I first started working.
"As long as everyone keeps working I'll keep getting my SS check each month, so everyone of you working 9 to 5 guys keep up the good job you are doing, it supports me in my old age." :icon_lol:

[ths61]

Hehe, As my dear old dad told me when I first started working.
"As long as everyone keeps working I'll keep getting my SS check each month, so everyone of you working 9 to 5 guys keep up the good job you are doing, it supports me in my old age." :icon_lol:

Unfortunately, Bernie Madoff is the only one serving jail time for perpetuating the ponzi scheme, but then again, he screwed the uber rich, not the average Joe.

[BIGLRY]

Unfortunately, Bernie Madoff is the only one serving jail time for perpetuating the ponzi scheme, but then again, he screwed the uber rich, not the average Joe.
Yeap....very true.

[Milkmaster]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.�

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?�

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, he is.�

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."

[Mike]

A father walks in on his son masturbating. He yells at the boy: Stop it or you'll go blind!
To which the boy replies: "Dad I am over here!" :yikes:

[Davidk]

Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes?

Because they always punch up the fuck line.

[F6Pilot]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "Yeah, that would be me. What would you like to know"?

[GNW]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "Yeah, that would be me. What would you like to know"?

funnychit.

[Davidk]

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages.

He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that... it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

Thus, the democrat party... and its symbol was born!

[Broken Hand]

Three people having fun in bed is a threesome.

Two people are a twosome.

The guy sitting alone in the corner is a handsome.

[Davidk]

My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed". I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in.

[TripleDuck]

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."

She starts work in the morning .

[Brasco]

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Norma always replied, " I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

The next year, Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,"Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[Steve 0080]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!

[Steve 0080]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your frickin' horse phoned!

[Steve 0080]

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest 'member' he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,� said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.�
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,� he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!� the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

[Jimmytee]

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest 'member' he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,� said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.�
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,� he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!� the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.k0tqQsGMWTn4JNH3yjb-EwEsD7&pid=15.1&P=0&w=187&h=157

[willtill]

An American goes into a bar in Calgary where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says, “What will you have?

The guy replies, “Whiskey.�

The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?�

The guy say, “168�

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical
technology.

After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he
gets, so he decides to go back.

The robot asks, “What’s your drink?�

The guy answers, “Whiskey.�

The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?�

The man replies, “100.�

The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his
“experiment� that he decides to try again.

He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.

The man replies, “Whiskey.�

The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?�

The man answers, “50.�

The robot leans in real close and asks,
“So . . are . . . you people . . . still unhappy Hillary didn't get in ?

[BIGLRY]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start a family. On the day the proxy father was due to arrive, Mr Smith, kissed his wife goodbye and said ‘Well, I am off now, the man should be here soon’. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell hoping to make a sale. ‘Good Morning ma’am, he said, I’ve come to …….

‘Oh no need to explain’ Mrs Smith cut in’, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you’. ‘Have you really’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that is good…did you know that babies are my speciality’‘Well, that is what my husband and I hoped…please come in and have a seat’.

After a moment, she asked, blushingly…’well…where do we start’? ‘Leave everything to me, I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps, a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun…you can really spread out there’. ‘The bathtub…the couch, the bedroom and the living room floor…no wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me’

‘Well ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but, if we try various several different positions, and I shoot from six or seven angles. I am sure you will be pleased with the result’. ‘My…that’s a lot’ gasped Mrs Smith. ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time…I’d rather be in and out in five minutes, but I am sure you would be disappointed with that’. ‘Don’t I know it’ said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This one’ he said ‘was done on top of a bus’. ‘Oh my word’!!! Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was difficult to work with’. ‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs Smith. ‘Yes, I am afraid so…I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right…people were crowding around 4 or 5 deep trying to get a look’.

‘Four or five deep’? Said Mrs Smith…her eyes wide with amazement. ‘Yes’ the photographer replied, ‘and for more than three hours the mother was constantly squealing and yelling…I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness was approaching, I had to rush my shots…finally, when the squirrels began nibble my equipment, I had to pack it all in’.

Mrs Smith leaned forward her eyes wide with anticipation said…’do you mean, they actually chewed on your …hum mm…equipment’? ‘It’s true Masd’am…yes…Well if you are ready, I’ll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away’. ‘TRIPOD’? Oh yes Ma’am, I need a tripod to rest my Canon on, it is much too big to be held in the hand very long’.:yikes:

[Kasperwing]

The man was walking down the street, desperately looking for work, when all of a sudden he notices a help wanted sign in the Winn Dixie store window. Since he has good past experience for many years, earned employee of the month many times, and is just an all around great guy, he struts on in and tries his luck.

After straightening his clothes and combing his hair, he walks in and asks for the manager. After explaining his plight, the manager/ store owner says, " this store has been in my family for 3 generations. We pride ourselves for giving excellent service to our very devoted customers. It is of utmost importance that you understand this. No matter what they want, we try to oblige"! The owner asks can you handle that? The possible new hire says "yes indeed". With that the store owns says, " I will give you a try for just one day. We don't let just anyone work here. You have to be quick of foot and mind, always looking for ways to please our clientele. I'll pay you cash at the end of your shift and then we can see if you fit in. With that, he shows the new guy the produce section. The newby immediately knows what to do and gets busy. The owner is quite pleased as he glances over with an approving smile. Well it was not long before a customer walks in. As fortune would have it, he notices the new employee. With a snicker under his breath he goes up to the new hire and asks for half an onion. The new guy, taken-aback by such a strange request, remembers his instructions and proceeds to wait on his first customer. With the humblest of voice and demeanor, he explains that onions are sold by the pound. They go back and forth a few times, but each volley only upsets the customer more. It is also grating on the newbys last nerve!! At this moment the customer get quite testy and demands a half of onion. The new guy, completely flummoxed by this idiotic request, sucks it up and explains he is new there & will need to ask his boss what he should do. The poor new guy felt like it was a possibility the customer was yanking his chain, but needing the job ----oh so bad--- he excused himself and said he would be right back.

Mr. new guy walks around to the next isle and there his boss stands seemingly unaware of whats happening. By now the new guy is exasperated because he tried several times to explain how produce is purchased. He can not believe that some one could be such a dolt. Non-the-less... wrangling as much composure as he could he approached the boss. He says ( bitting his tongue ) , Hey boss there is some freaking idiot on the next isle that wants to buy half an onion. No sooner the words left his mouth that his boss face turns BEET RED! The new guy sees out of the corner of his eye, the customer standing right there, and knows he had to have heard what he told his boss. Immediately, knowing he would get fired on the spot, he had to think fast. So he says to his boss so the customer can hear... " OH AND BY THE WAY, THIS NICE GENTLEMAN WANTS TO BUY THE OTHER HALF!!!!

Well the boss realizing that this new guy is indeed sharp and that he saved the day was most impressed. Everything worked out great. Then later in the day the boss says come see me in the office before closing. I am going give you off early with a $20.00 bonus. That man was one of our best customers.

So here they are at beer-oclock. Both the newby and store owner were pleased the day worked out better than the first few terrifying minutes.

So they are talking, both relaxed and the newby is saying to himself.... man that was close. About that time the boss says, " ya know you are one fast thinker. I could use your skills here are you still interested"? Newby says sure, can I start tomorrow. It will be nice to eat more than rice and drink water! The boss so grateful at his find, gives the guy $100.00 bill. The boss says, " listen, i know what its like to be down on your luck. BTW, can I ask you a question. I notice you have an accent. Are you from Texas"? MAN-OH-MAN... the poor newby just can not catch a break. Seems every one is out to ruffle his feathers. He tries to hold back .... but the words come out........he says to the boss.... "TEXAS, TEXAS... ONLY WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS COME FROM TEXAS!!
He knows the beet red look on the boss face and figures he has stepped in it yet again. The boss screams back, yanks the hundred out of his hand and says....
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS???? MY WIFE IS FROM TEXAS!!!! BY now the new employee sure that his ass is grass... clears his throat and kinda chuckles.... with great confidence & calmness.... he says, What position was you wife on the ladies football team... while grabbing the 100 back !!!

:nutkick::nutkick:

[willtill]

..but still funny :shhh:


This panda walks into a bar.
He sits down at a table.
A waiter comes, and the panda orders his food, and eats it.
Then, he pulls out a gun and blows the brains out of the waiter.
Then he gets up and is about to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey, you just shot my waiter!
Where do you think you're going?" And the panda says, "I'm a panda! Look it up!"
So the bartender looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It reads: "Fur-bearing mammal, lives in Australia.
EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.

[dadeo]

..but still funny :shhh:


This panda walks into a bar.
He sits down at a table.
A waiter comes, and the panda orders his food, and eats it.
Then, he pulls out a gun and blows the brains out of the waiter.
Then he gets up and is about to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey, you just shot my waiter!
Where do you think you're going?" And the panda says, "I'm a panda! Look it up!"
So the bartender looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It reads: "Fur-bearing mammal, lives in Australia.
EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.

Pandas live in China. :crackup:

[willtill]

Pandas live in China. :crackup:

So right you are. :shhh: Ah well... :icon_lol:

[Heatnbeat]

What? They don't have bars in China?😄

[willtill]

:icon_mrgreen:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=24&v=WgByS5v16Fw

[dadeo]

So right you are. :shhh: Ah well... :icon_lol:

KOALAS, They live in AUSTRALIA.....

[ths61]

KOALAS, They live in AUSTRALIA.....

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/703042/thumbs/o-WET-KOALA-PHOTOSHOP-570.jpg?4

[willtill]

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/703042/thumbs/o-WET-KOALA-PHOTOSHOP-570.jpg?4

That's a "drop bear" for sure... :shock:

[ths61]

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps...

"Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?"

Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded...

"We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."

"And just where is that?" said the reporter sarcastically.

Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said...

"They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration."

"Next question?"

[taxfree4]

The Defective Parrot
>
>
> A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
>
> It doesn't have any feet or legs.
>
> The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
>
> The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
>
> I'm a defective parrot.'
>
> 'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
>
> 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
>
> 'I got every word,' says the parrot.
>
> 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
>
> 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
>
> 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
>
> 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
>
> You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
>
> 'Wow,' says the guy.
>
> 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
>
> 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
>
> I'm especially good at ornithology.
>
> You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
>
> The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
>
> 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
>
> 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
>
> You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
>
> The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
>
> Weeks go by.
>
> The parrot is sensational.
>
> He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
>
> The guy is delighted.
>
> One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
>
> 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
>
> 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
>
> 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
>
> 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
>
>
> 'THEN what happened?'
>
> 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
>
> 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
>
> 'Yes.
>
>
> Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
>
> Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
>
> DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[BIGLRY]

:icon_rolleyes::icon_doh::clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

[DMAGOLDRDR]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out
of sight under the tablecloth.. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend
other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."

[Radical Taz]

Guy walks into a neighbor bar to have a drink and sees a horse at the end of the bar.
He asks the bartender about the horse to which he replies “ If you can make the horse laugh you win a $100.00.
Guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear and the horse begins hysterically laughing. Bartender asks what he said to which he replies “that’s my business� takes the $100 and leaves.
Few weeks go by and the guy returns to the same bar and the same horse is still there. He says to the bartender if I make him laugh again do I win another $100. Oh no not this time, now you need to make him cry.
The man agrees and walks the horse into the bathroom, a few minutes later the man emerges with the horse crying uncontrollably.
The guy says “ok pay up�, bartender says not until you tell me how you made him laugh.
The man says “Well I told him I was hung better than him� bartender says well that is funny but how did you make him cry........................





I showed him!!

[willtill]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to
his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night
before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how
much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was
in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would
have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. :shhh:

God bless the enlisted man. :icon_mrgreen:

[DMAGOLDRDR]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

One day, Carlos asked Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”

“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.

Carlos’ sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”

Jose says, “no wonder you only get $2-3.”

Carlos says, “So what does your sign say then?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”