THE IRISH LIGHTER

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light. 'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster? ''Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie. ''You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked. 'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy. 'Could I see him? 'Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish? ''Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks! 'Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?' :shock:

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that's great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!”

“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what's your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?”

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I'd do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we're both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“No kidding,” he said. “Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?”