BUGS AND BIKES ( FUNNY AND TRUE READ!)
There are many great things about riding a motorcycle. The freedom of being out in the open, the wind in your hair, the smells of the countryside and the BUGS on your face. Well, maybe that last one isn't one of the great things, but it is certainly what the riders are talking about these days. The rains we got a few weeks ago were good for the lakes and vegetation but it has also been a catalyst for bug making. It's been a while since I have encountered this many while riding. Bugs have been such a big topic I decided to look up the term in the dictionary to see what Webster's had to say about them.
Main Entry: 2bug
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1622
1 a: an insect or other creeping or crawling invertebrate, b: any of several insects commonly considered obnoxious, c: any of an order (Hemiptera and especially its suborder Heteroptera) of insects that have sucking mouthparts, forewings thickened at the base, and incomplete metamorphosis and are often economic pests.
I'm not sure what all that tells me except that they were around before the first V-Twin and they are OBNOXIOUS PESTS. I did a ride up through Prescott, Jerome and Sedona a couple of weeks ago and had plenty of time to think while getting layered with all types of flying invertebrates. What is it about these guys that they feel it necessary to fly right in the middle of the road? They have millions of acres to fly, why does it have to be right at eye level in front of a motorcycle doing 70 mph. I'm not an entomologist, but I think I could have been a poster child for one after that ride. I felt like a walking class insecta after that one. If I were still in 4th grade I could have just turned in my shirt, glasses and headlight, added a "Praying Mantis" and I would have gotten a "A" on my biology project.
What I find really interesting is all the different shapes, sizes, colors and tastes you can encounter. Some are sweet, some are sour and some have no taste at all. Some splash all over your face and some feel like a rock when they nail you in the cheek. Red and Yellow guts seem to have been the popular colors for Spring this year. It's also amazing how accurate these guys are. It's like there is some big control tower up there with "Bug Vader" barking out instructions to all the "suicide bugs". "Ok, we've got a guy daydreaming on a blue Titan doing 75 mph southbound on I-17, go for the left glasses lens. DIRECT HIT!! He'll be pulling over soon." I'm sure you can all relate to that.
So after about 20 hours and 740 miles of open road riding over the last 3 weeks I have had plenty of time to think. What could I relate these bugs to that would make the non-rider understand what this is like? There are so many ways that a bug can attack that I came up with this.
If bugs were bombs, here are what 7 of them would be:
The "Bunker Bugster". This is the bug that hits you so hard in the cheek that it rattles your teeth, has a stinging sensation and feels like it is now firmly embedded and you will need tweezers to pull it out. You can almost imagine this one to have a sharp pointed beak and his feet are wiggling trying to get out.
The "Smart Bug". This is the one that can pinpoint the last available square centimeter on your glasses or windshield that is allowing you to see at all. Once hit by a "Smart Bug" you are forced to the side of the road for cleanup. You can always count on running into one of these on your trip.
The "Napalm Bug". This is the bug that hits and immediately explodes spreading a red and yellow substance over your face, clothing or glasses, sometimes causing a burning sensation on the skin and has a sour taste. If you clean this one off with your fingers in route, do not later touch your eyes or pick your teeth.
The "Cluster Bugs". This is a group of several thousand tiny bugs that fly together in a group. After riding through them you can find them stuck to your lip balm or held on by oily sunscreen. Requires a sharp fingernail to remove them as they smear easily if you try and wipe them off. Always keep mouth closed tightly while riding through "Cluster Bugs".
The "Cruise Bug". This is classified as a SMART Bug that comes in from the side and can actually hit you in the ear while doing 70 mph. Not really sure how this one works. But it feels like a "Bunker Bugster" when it connects. If big enough it can actually make you change lanes.
The "Satellite Guided Bug". This is one of the smartest and most accurate bugs. This bug has been proven to be able to fly up your nose at speeds up to 90mph creating a very uncomfortable situation for the rider. This bug is very hard to retrieve and can make you look like a nose picker in front of your riding buddies for up to 2 miles before giving up on it. This is AKA the "Ghost Bug". You know a bug went up your nose, it feels like it is still there, but you can rarely actually retrieve it. A Very frustrating bug that can actually take up to 10 miles to convince yourself that this bug is dead and not crawling around in your nose.
And lastly, a recent development in the bug world is the MOAB.
The "Mother of all Bugs". A very large bug. Bigger than any previous bug. A Juicy, multicolored bug that when hit quickly spreads itself all over you, your passenger and the guy riding behind you. If hit with one of these MOAB's, especially in the glasses, you and your group will be forced to the side of the road for extensive cleanup before continuing your ride.
Hopefully the non-rider can now understand what we go through for the love of riding. As I have said before, being a motorcycle rider, it almost seems like we have an unfair advantage when it comes to building memories. Every day we fire up our motorcycles and head out on the open road, we are filling out another deposit slip for our memory bank of life. Bugs are certainly a part of that right now. And the more you ride, the more experiences you have to share with others. All that being said, I am ready to go back out there and do it again right now. And for the riders who will be out there too, the next time you get hit with a bug, make a quick mental note of which "Bug Bomb" you were hit with.
