ADULT JOKES NO KIDS!!!!!!!!!

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she can fit into your wife's clothes.

Tonto puts his ear to the ground and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says, "How can you tell?" Tonto says, "Ear all sticky."

How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.

A guy sitting at a lunch counter notices a waitress walk by with a hamburger under her arm.
He says, "Excuse me miss but why do you have that hamburger under your arm?"
She says, "I'm keeping it warm."
He says, "Cancel my hotdog."

A newlywed couple is in the honeymoon suite when the husband drops his pants.
Husband: "Hey baby. Do you know what this is?"
Wife: "Yeah, it's a pee pee."
Husband: "No baby, this is a DICK!"
Wife: No I've seen dicks. That's a pee pee."

:lolup::lolup::lolup:

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis
was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand
that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss
with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a
bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
“Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ISLANDER1089

"We're getting granite counter tops."

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OUCH. :icon_lol:

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:


"What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest
whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an
apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with
this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge
what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .


"And how about you, Sarah?"


"I wanna be Kevin’s whore."

:lolup::lolup::lolup: