WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Because he said...
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said..."Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
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