I just saw this joke word for word on Face Book and "Ted Nugent" put his name to it as the author. I assure you I read it a month ago in a Biker Magazine with someone else s name attached..You'll notice I didn't sign it as mine.............Dickie
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A high school down in South Louisiana bayou country (Port Barre) was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of the young girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the privacy of the girls' bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lipstick lip prints covering the bathroom mirrors.
Every night, old Mr. Boudreaux, the maintenance man, would painstakingly remove all the lipstick . . . but then the next day . . . the girls would mess up the mirrors once again.
Finally the principal (my younger brother) decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there along with the female basketball coach and the maintenance man, Mr. Boudreaux. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean up the mirrors, the principal asked Mr. Boudreaux to show the girls how much effort was required to clean up the lipstick. So Mr. Boudreaux took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in one of the toilets, and then cleaned the mirrors thoroughly with it.
Since that day, there have been no lipstick lip prints on the mirrors.
There are teachers . . . and then there are true educators filled with ingenuity !!!
A driver is stuck in a bad traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?", the driver asks.
The man replies, "About a gallon each!"
What did the blonde say when asked if her blinker was working
Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.................
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one frickin' ear."
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, - 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, - 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, - 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said - 'Sister, I think it's your feet.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. - 'Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, - 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted...!!!
During one of the congregation meeting the resurrection was the topic of discussion. The question was asked for one of the children to tell the congregation what the resurrection was. A little boy was called on and he said he knew that if you had one for 4 hours you had better call a doctor. AGAIN---a true story that brought down the house. :icon_doh:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”:yikes:
Perfect and very true !!!!!
Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The Beech says to the Birch: "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The Birch says it cannot tell. Just then a Woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The Birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The Woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in!" :lolup: .notworthy. Come on Guys and Girls Surely someone else has Jokes!
Well Dickie, you may be the king of jokes !!!
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
a nurse goes out with her friends for dinner. all goes well until the end of the meal when they all get their separate checks .......since they're all paying by credit card, pens are in a bit of a shortage.
the nurse chimes in and says I have one in my purse, hang on." she reaches into her purse and pulls out a rectal thermometer...looking somewhat surprised she pipes up and says "aw shit...some ASSHOLE has my pen!":yikes:
supposedly a REAL call
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0nRvqfiqZI
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.':crackup:
85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
I think we need to re-name this thread "dickiedeals joke of the day" He's killing it on a regular basis!
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”
Some old men can still think fast!!
A police officer called into the station on his radio and said "I have an interesting case here, an old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." The chief asked "Have you arrested her yet?" to which the officer replied "Nope floor is still wet"
A good one !
So I'm at Wal-mart buying a bag of cat food for my cats. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a cat. Why else would I be buying cat food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a cat, I was starting the cat food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Meow Mix and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the cat food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a cat's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard....
Happy Thanksgiving ....and avoid cat food
:icon_mrgreen:
Little Johnny and dad are walking through the wood one day when they come upon two dogs humping. Little Johnny asks dad "What are they doing Dad?" Dad not wanting to go into the whole birds and the bees speech just then said "They're making puppies." Little Johnny accepts this and they go on and enjoy the walk.
A couple of days later Little Johnny walks in on mommy and daddy doin' the nasty and Little Johnny asks "Dad what are you doing to mommy?" Dad breathlessly says "We are making you a little sister" Little Johnny nods his head and turns to leave the room, stops and looks back and says "Dad turn her over- I'd rather have a puppy"
A guy goes into the U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, " If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."
No, I didn't make these up, I 'm really not that sick. I wanted to let you
enjoy them as much as I did. (GROAN):icon_doh:
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I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
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I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
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They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
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PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
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Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
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I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
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Broken pencils are pointless.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
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I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
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Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
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Velcro - what a rip off!
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
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Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
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Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
All I can say is " You got to be shitting me!"
This one?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
Not sure if it's a joke... sadness really :shhh:
Christian school... in class... Sally is asleep
The teacher turns to the class and see's Sally asleep on her desk...
She asks the class "who created the heavens and earth in 7 days?, Sally?"
Johnny jabbed his pencil in Sally's Ass,... she screamed out "God almighty!"
The teacher was surprised she was listening... a few minutes later she asked the class "who sacrificed themselves on the cross for our sins?,Sally?"
Sally once again Asleep, Johnny stuck his pencil in her ass harder this time. She cried out "Jesus Christ!"
Again the teacher was surprised... The teacher then asked the class "what did Eve say to Adam after there 2800000th child?"
No one answered... so Johnny shoved the pencil right up Sally's ass,she stood up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna snap it in half!!!":yikes:
AIRLINE FOOD - A TRUE STORY?
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement..."Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service ... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals ... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued... "So, anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came four hours later ... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
GOD BLESS THE IRISH!:beer3:
:lolup:
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too, shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics,
She met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq.ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.
They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana.
Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later,
Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart.
They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn
And have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty,
Explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary says the Fifth Parrot has to stand on One Leg.
Baltimore's 12 days of Christmas
http://i68.tinypic.com/29llk7c.jpg
Funny stuff Will.
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"
The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper,
Guido,
Has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job
In the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
Not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
Where's the money?
Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
What you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
Puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs,
"OK! You win!
The money is in a brown
Briefcase, buried behind the shed
At my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?